We have all been there at one time or another-each for various durations. We are totally into someone-they seem to be incredibly interested in us and we want to take it to the next level. Sometimes they do-sometimes they do not.

They could be up for a casual/physical relationship (this is the 21st century, folks, please check your judgment or pious indignation at the door, please) which you may agree to; typically with the hope that it results in something more. They may even entirely reject the idea of a relationship-physical or otherwise-noting that they just simply do not feel the same way as you do.


In either case when we feel  rejected or as though they are only giving half of themselves we begin to “mine for” information which validates the belief that they truly love us, want more and are, for whatever reason, holding back. Soon every text, email, face to face conversation or experience becomes fodder for our analysis as we frenetically nitpick every single detail looking for signs that our belief is not foolish or shaded a lovely color of rose but is in fact true.

Soon the act of holding open the door for us to walk through, commenting on our gorgeous dress or texting us (along with 50 others) something funny and even a bit cheeky become sure-fire signs that he is madly in love with or at the very least “totally into” us.

Instead of his being just a good person; kind, compassionate and considerate, these sometimes most miniscule events become heavy with the weight of validating our sometimes very misinformed belief.

In short we become desperate to see every occurrence from the perspective of whether it validates his caring or not.

I have found in my years offering readings that there are generally 3 truths when this happens.


1.     They said it-they meant it!


If a guy (or put in whatever personal pronoun works best for you) tells you point blank he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t feel the same for you or that he is not interested in taking things further he means it. He is not analyzing this ad nauseam (as we likely have been) with some master plan of getting us to believe he doesn’t care just so that he can jump around, suddenly, and scream:“TRICKEDYOU!SecretlyIloveyouandcannotgetenoughofyoupleasemarrymeNOW!”


2.     They are not scared-they are not interested.


Sadly many who do what I do, or claim to do what I do, perpetrate this horrifically overused notion that if a man is not interested or is not giving a full relationship (back and forth, in and out etc. ) that really he is secretly petrified of you, his feelings for you, of relationship etc. etc. There is no end to what will be the next reason for his fears (and coincidently this tends coincides with a prediction for his turn around that never came to pass). It is as though we are made to believe that every man is this neurotic bag of fears incapable of intimacy or love. I have been married for nearly several years and have done my fair share of dating-some good and some bad.  TRUST me they are capable and not all of them are messed up commitment phobes. What typically results in a man not committing is that he doubts this is exactly what he wants. Is that really what we want? To be someone he settles for if nothing better arrives?


3.     They want parts of you-not all of you.


I have talked at length about those who engage in back and forth relationships; those relationships predicated on inherent insecurity and inconsistency that lack commitment and reciprocation of unconditional feelings. Sometimes we are perfectly content with this connection as the responsibility of a full relationship just is not practical for us at the moment. Sometimes, however, and “sometimes” I would be willing to bet could be easily changed to “most times”, we engage in these connections with the expectation, deep seated hope and sometimes naïve belief that eventually they will give us more.

We deal with a relationship that exists on their schedule alone. We continue to try to see every moment whilst basking in the afterglow of a romantic interlude as signs that secretly he loves us and will eventually commit to us fully.

Unfortunately they will not. If they wanted all of us they would take it. Ultimately there is a certain level of fulfillment they get from us and the best part is that because they know we want more they can get a great deal from us without giving much of anything of themselves. They know that we would rather have something than nothing at all.


We spend so much time analyzing information trying desperately to justify our continued belief that they want what we want that we never stop to ask if this person should be in our lives. Do we want a relationship so bad that it’s become more about just getting there than it is who we become involved with? Why does there have to be this tangled web of subterfuge and complexity? Why do our egos become so fragile that we cannot merely accept they are not interested? Wouldn’t it just be easier if we took their comments/actions at face value instead of exhausting ourselves mining for proof to the contrary?

Laura BrownComment